Most Wonderful Time of the Year

So it’s that time of year again, when all this joy and goodwill to all men (whatever that means) seems to be floating about, and this always leads me to a couple of questions. Firstly, why can’t joy and goodwill to all men just be evenly distributed throughout the year, rather than picking two weeks to give a shit? And more importantly, what’s the deal with cards? Seriously I’ve never seen the point to Christmas cards, and I’ve always politely requested people don’t send me them, only to be met with the expression of insult on their faces. So before you share that same disapproving look, allow me to explain.

“But Jamie,” I hear you say, “Christmas cards are an expression of love. A gift to show that you’re in somebody’s thoughts and they care about you.” Well let me stop you right there citizens, because I can tell you right now that half the cards I receive are not from people who are thinking about me, and the other half aren’t from people who care about me. Let’s take those two groups in turn.

Firstly, have you ever noticed how many cards you get from aunts and uncles, your parents aunts and uncles, second cousins, old work colleagues, your former accountant, and people you thought were dead? When was the last time you saw any of these people? When was the last time you even came across their name? I guarantee you the last time you had any contact would have either been last years card, or some minor family event full of people you didn’t want to make small talk with. I mean let’s face it, if you don’t enjoy each others company, why the hell do you send reminders of each others continued existence annually? If you care about them so little that you actively avoid them for 360 days of the year, then just do yourself a favour and don’t send them a card, hopefully they’ll return the favour and you can both get on with your lives, slightly happier at the fact that you don’t have to sit on their sofa that smells of stale fags and be assaulted by their pet cat and their opinions on your mediocrity. Gotta love family...

Secondly, let’s say you do actually like the person you’re sending a card to, or getting one from. What an insincere and lazy way to demonstrate that. I mean who keeps their cards for more than a fortnight tops? If you do then you probably own stacks of copies of the Daily Mail dating back to the mid eighties. Then when you come to dispose of them, you can’t even recycle them because they’re either covered in glitter, or use some sort of ink that’s allergic to fish or something. So along with the other tonne detritus that has to be thrown out on the first bin day in three weeks, out goes your card, the end to a short, meaningless, pitiful life. What a way to show someone you care, by clogging their bins up with overpriced pictures of care bears in santa hats. Are you happy with yourselves? Really, is this the way you want to be remembered, as the dude who used to show he cares by signing his name?

Finally do you really think your witty card and happy little message are going to brighten someone else's day? Of course it fucking isn’t! They’re going to spend 30 seconds reading it, then have to hunt around for a place to put it. Remember they’ve already got hundreds of these things, from people they either forgot existed, or from people they see every day and didn’t really need to send a message that was far less effective than just fucking talking to them! Your beautiful little card is either going to end up hidden on the second row of cards on the fish tank, or taped to the corner of a picture of gran. Read by very few, and those that do read it will often ask, “so who’s this guy?” Did you honestly think they’d be impressed by it?

On a similar note, who the hell are these people who thought it was a good idea to put glitter in cards? So that when you open the card you get a sparkly crotch, who are they? And why are they still allowed to live? There are some people who don’t deserve human rights and I’d make a very strong case for those pricks to be sent packing to Guatemala... they fucking love glitter in Guatemala, not.

So citizens, this year do your loved one’s a favour and don’t bother. If you want to show them you care by all means pick up the phone, or show up to their place with a DVD and some beer, but put the cards away, for the sake of my sanity at least, please. Also, don’t be a hypocrite, if you have loved one’s, you don’t need an excuse to acknowledge them, do it at any time of the year, only caring around Christmas time just comes across so insincere, but that’s a whole new bag of worms.

Right, I’m gonna go drink mulled wine and tell little Timmy he has to work over Christmas.
Jamie out xoxoxo